This essay for me was a subject that is EXTREMELY close to my heart. I very recently found out about the millions of people that have issues with self-hatred and cutting. People that were also close to my heart were suffering with both or one of those. This is just something that I felt I HAVE to write about, and so I leave you this month with this piece of literature! Be Blessed! =]
The room had a sickening dark aroma. Blood and tears covered the floor. Her arm beside her lay limp and covered in blood. This time it had gone too far. The life was bleeding out of her but she didn’t care, she just wanted it all to end. She looked at the bloody, dirty razor and she went on with her right leg and then her left one. Every cut brought back so much of the past. Her heart shredded from the countless curses, hateful words, scorning faces that told her she wasn’t worth their time, their effort. That she was useless, ugly and that no one could ever love her. That even God had forsaken her. The razor dropped into the puddle of blood that was now forming on the floor.
Myrtle beach, Georgia; home to fun, freedom, and the American family. The Beach looked picture perfect! The trees were glowing with an almost magical aurora around them. The sun was the normal southern, summer sun. Shining in all its glory. The water was the bluest of blues. These were the kinds of places that calendars were made of. She stood mesmerized by the awesomeness around this magical place.”Anne! Lunch is ready!” someone yelled “Be right there!” she replied. Turning, she spotted someone behind the bushes, her heart raced and a thousand thoughts rushed through her head. she turned, ran and dove into the bushes, “Gotcha!” “Darn it Anne! How the heck did you know it was me? I’ll get you when you least expect it! Watch!”. “Jen, you suck at sneaking up on people” she chuckled as they walked back to the house. The wonderful aroma of barbecued beef, bacon, and the smells of the south. This was home. Surrounded by her family. No mom or dad just people who genuinely cared. She loved this place deeply. But most of all, Jen. Jen was the kind of person that would mess with you until you were either mad at her or wanted her to just go away but at the same time absolutely loved you and she made sure you knew that. It was impossible to stay mad at her for more than a couple of seconds. She was what made Georgia home. Anne sometimes wondered if this was heaven because it sure felt like it. Even the times when she felt lonely and forgotten, Georgia and Jen were always there. Life was good.
“Anne! Why the hell did you come back?! My life was so much better when you weren’t here! I hate you! We all do! You’re such a problem child.” Her mother screamed. Her mouth foaming and cursing “No one cares what the hell you did! Just shut up and get lost! Go away!” She knew she shouldn’t have tried; it always ended up in her being screamed at and abused. Seventeen, broken, mentally violated, lonely and trapped. Was there no end to this mess? Where was God? Where was anyone? She needed someone, anyone to talk to, but everyone hated her and probably didn't love her, or so she was told. So she went to the only escape she found. She locked the door behind her and rummaged through the medicine cabinet. It glistened and shone in her hand; somehow this pain was better than the one on the other side of the door. Again and again she made the red slits appear and reappear. They knew about this, but they didn’t care; she was worthless to them, not even human. The words “I love you” suddenly gripped her mind and then disappeared as if being choked by the lies that lurked her conscious. Love? What was love? She smirked. If this was love, she wanted no part of it. Water cleaned up the stains and the rest of the bloody mess. She gently shut the door behind her and quietly snuck into her room. She laid herself down on the old squeaky mattress, tears running down and soaking the pillow, joining the many others that had been shed, she cried herself to sleep.
The door smashed open and the silhouette of an aging man with wispy hair, or what he had left of it, casted a long shadow across the room. “Come here! Now!” he bellowed. Terrified, she slowly got up, and walked towards the man. He flicked on the light, grabbed her by the neck and threw her into the living room. “Why the hell are you so damn stupid you little…” and he went on hurling curse after curse. She laid there sprawled on the ground, eyes blinded by the tears welling up inside. She knew what was coming... “Why can’t you be smart like your brother? Such an idiot! How do you get an eighty seven in English when you speak it? Huh!?” he shrieked. With that, he picked her up and threw her into the wall. Every bone groaned in the pain that now coursed though her body. She flinched every time the hand went up and came back down, adding to the blanket of bruises that she already had. Bruises that she got ‘falling down the stairs’ or ‘falling of a tree’.
The tears cut through the blood stains on her face. Today, she did not care if she lived or died. The pain of living with this everyday was too much for her to handle. A set of heavy footsteps followed a by another pair were coming towards the bathroom. “Anne? Are you in there?” there was no answer. “Anne?” The silence deeply alarmed both of them. “ANNE!? If you don’t answer right now, I’m coming in there!” he exclaimed. Still no answer. They looked at each other and then ran in. The smell of blood and tears shot up their noses. “Oh my goodness! Anne!” they stood there horrified. The younger of the two men burst into tears. “Ric, Go get Steve! Now! Hurry!” urged John. Ric bolted out of the restroom to find Steve and the medic. “Oh Anne, what have you done to yourself?” John said with tears that escaped his deep blue eyes. The old man picked her up off the floor, took the razor and threw it in the trash and wiped her clean. The new shirt that he has been bragging about came off immediately and was torn to be used as bandaged for her arms and legs. Something made Anne looked up at him and saw something in his face, in his eyes, that she had never noticed before. What was it? She had never seen it before or maybe she just wasn't looking in the right places. John then hugged her for what seemed like an eternity, letting her bleed and wipe her tears all over him. “Anne” whispered John quietly “you asked what love was, remember?” She jerked straight up, startled, how did he know? “This is love” he smiled. With that he breathed on her forehead. Suddenly, everything felt so surreal,everything felt so right. A feeling that she did not know how to explain or had ever even felt before came over her. She felt accepted, understood, wanted, and desired. She felt loved.
She opened her eyes and there she stood, mesmerized by the awesomeness around this magical place.”Anne! Lunch is ready!” someone yelled “Be right there!” she replied. Turning, she spotted someone behind the bushes, her heart raced and a thousand thoughts rushed through her head and she ran and dove into the bushes “Gotcha!” “Darn it Anne! How the heck did you know it was me? I’ll get you when you least expect it! Watch!”. “Jen, you suck at sneaking up on people” she chuckled as they walked back to the house.
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